When I look at you,
What I always see
Is the face of someone else
Who once belonged to me
. Still I can hear him laugh,
And even though that memory plays on,
He's gone...
-"When I Look at You," Nan Knighton

It's night. I can hear the crickets chirping softly in droves around me as I toss and turn in my sleeping bag. We're so near the Mana Tree; I know we are. It's as if I can feel it... But Popoie was tired (I don't blame him, really) so we three agreed to camp out and continue on in the morning. Night is the same as day here in the Pure Land, it's always quiet and dim, calming. Here under the remains of the stone gateways, we're safe from the beasts and creatures that inhabit this place, but I still can't seem to sleep..

Popoie is having no problem sleeping, I can tell that just by the volume of his snores. For a moment, I silently envy him to be able to nod off so easily. Purim must be asleep too, but thankfully, she's not a noisy sleeper like Popoie.

I roll over, sighing heavily with eyes open, enabling me to make out Purim's sleeping bag beside me...

She's not there.

For a fleeting moment, I panic. Sitting bolt upright, I dart my arm out to fetch my sword where it sits nearby. My heart racing in the oncoming anxiety, I hurriedly scan the surrounding area with my eyes--and I spot her.

She's sitting a few feet off, on the steps of the stone gateway, looking out into the darkness of the lush rainforest. Swallowing thickly, I sigh in relief. It was only a minute or two, not even, but I think I'd scared myself out of breath! I wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't find Purim...

But that's past. I smile, content, and carefully set my sword back down, hoping I won't disturb her. It sounds silly, but I find it kind of comforting to see she can't sleep either. I'd always felt so young and foolish around her--still do--because she's older than me. She's very pretty, too; I can't help but notice it now as I watch her in her reverie. And Ialso find myself wondering what she's thinking about.

Pah. I know what she's thinking about--or rather, who-- ....Dyluck. Must be my night to be jealous, because I find myself envying him briefly, too. Still, I'm not jealous for long; imagining what Purim would think if she caught me acting like some selfish boy sets me straight. ....Mostly because I can't stand disappointing her.

I take my time to watch her, take her in, as she sits there by herself... She sighs, deeply. I can feel a frown forming on my face. While I'd like nothing more than to sit and watch her like this for even a minute longer, I can tell something is wrong. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't see if she was okay? I get up out of my sleeping bag quietly, even though I'm not at all worried about waking Popoie; he may snore like a rusty sandship engine, but he sleeps like a rock. Once I've crossed the short distance between Purim and me, and find myself standing behind her, I suddenly freeze.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Maybe I should just leave her alone. What if she doesn't want my company? I don't want to upset her or make her think I'm nosy...

I turn my head and look desperately back to my wrinkled, empty sleeping bag. It looks so far away... I'm sure to disturb her if I turn back now and try to escape. I'll have to think of something. I need an excuse for why I'm out here. Why would I be right behind--

"Randi? Are you okay?" Too late. She's noticed me, and I don't have an excuse. What can I say?

"Uh..." I fumble for words, then hopelessly shrug my shoulders and mumble an answer, "couldn't sleep." Lame. That was extremely lame.

She gives me a look of concern at first, but smiles in understanding and pats the stone beside her. "I know what you mean. I couldn't sleep either. You can sit down, you know." I only watch her dumbly, slack-jawed like a hooked fish as I hear her try again: "Um.. wanna sit?"

"Sure," I hear myself answer. Inwardly, I kick myself. I must look awfully stupid to her right now...

Sometimes I worry about Randi. When I first met him, I thought him to be a bit of a pushover--he let ME boss him around, for pity's sake! But during our journey, I think I've really watched him grow up. Every fight, he's gotten stronger. The deeper into this we go, the more determined he gets... Sometimes I look at him, in his eyes, and it's strange--I think I see Dyluck.

Oh, it's really silly, I know... but just the look in his eyes has always struck me that way. I see it more and more, and I see it now. He looked worried for me just a moment ago, before he realized I had noticed him; I guess he must wonder why I was out here. I heard myself lie to him, just so I wouldn't sound stupid, and say I couldn't sleep. That wasn't really it. Well-÷not exactly it. I couldn't sleep alright, but mostly because I still can't stop worrying about Dyluck. Lately, I've had the worst feeling about him.. and Thanatos.

I didn't want to tell Randi that, though. I'm sure he's gotten tired of hearing me pine away for my stolen boyfriend; Popoie has, and he's said as much! Randi is much quieter about his feelings, though. Just like Dyluck... I don't expect him to ever tell me when he's sick of hearing something from me, so I have to guess.

I ask him to sit again when he doesn't respond the first time, and I frown a little as I get only a laconic "Sure" in response. He sits beside me, but I notice how careful he is not to get too close to me; it's as if he's afraid to touch me. I sidle closer to him, to show him I don't mind, and draw my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and looking at him.

"So why couldn't you sleep?" I ask.

"This place is just kinda creepy. Y'know?" He turns to me, watching me with those pale blue eyes that I still want to mistake for Dyluck's. I can see him smile thinly, trying to be jovial, but something seems to be weighing on him. The silence hangs tensely between us, and just when I'm about to answer, he speaks again: "What about you, Purim?"

Darn. Why'd he have to go and ask that? I sit up again, chewing my lip slightly (that habit always drove Dad up the wall, but Dyluck said it was cute). I don't want to lie to him... What should I say?

I find myself thankful for the nighttime; she can't see me blushing. I swallow hard, closing my eyes a moment, mostly to avoid having to look her in the eyes. Mana! She's gone from pretty to cute... the way she bites down on her lip like that. My muscles are already sore from my sitting so tense when she scooted closer to me... I can't believe she did that...

"I'm just worried..." Her answer almost makes me wilt. I knew I was right; I knew she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking of Dyluck... but I didn't really want to be proven right. It takes all my strength to hold back a disappointed sigh, and as I force a smile of reassurance--just for her--I respond, quietly.

"..about Dyluck?" I finish for her. She seems to hesitate, but nods slowly. I can feel my smile turn bitter, and can only hope she doesn't notice. Really, I suppose it was stuid on my part... I think I've always had a little bit of a crush on her. Worse, I think Popoie noticed it before even I did; he was always teasing us.

She couldn't possibly see anything in me, though. I figured that out a long time ago. She's a nobleman's daughter, in love with the Captain of Pandora's Guard, and I'm just a boy with no parents who got banished from the village that took me in because I did something stupid. What could she ever see in me?

"Yeah.. a little. Randi, I--um...." Purim stammers, and suddenly looks surprisingly unconfident. I don't think I've ever seen her look like that before.

"Purim? What's wrong?" In a moment of unthinking concern, I place my hand on her shoulder, gently. She blushes; I draw my hand back as if I'd just touched a searing-hot stove top. In my racing heart, it almost feels like I had. "S-sorry," I murmur ashamedly.

My heart is suddenly moving very fast. Before he touched me, I saw disappointment of some kind-then the utmost concern in those eyes. He's so sweet, how he really cares so much. I wonder how I could have overlooked it before...

"Nothing... I was just thinking..." I finally answer, lowering my head for a moment, so I can avoid his eyes. I need to sort my thoughts. Not an easy task with my heart fluttering so strangely like this...

What is this? It's not love. It couldn't possibly be that. I love Dyluck, I always have... but there's something that nags at me...

I feel a strong, gentle arm slip around me, and I blink, my breath catching in my throat as I lift my head. It's Randi... He looks at me with some emotion I can't name that seems to have resigned itself to worry instead.

I wonder...

Does he love me?

"R...Randi?" "We'll find him, Purim. I said I'd help you rescue him, right? Remember when we first met?"

He's lying. He didn't actually say that; I, like the stubborn, pigheaded girl I had once been, told him to pay back my accidental favor of rescuing him, thus I tagged along so we could save Dyluck. But he never once complained about being forced into my selfish quest... And now he's taking it upon himself...

I don't know what I was thinking, putting my arm around her like that. She looked surprised, but when I had been about to take my arm away, she seemed a little relieved.. so I left it there. I don't like to see her upset; it's one of the worst things in the world for me. Out of my own selfish desire to make her feel better, I lie to her. For the first time, I think.

"We'll find him, Purim. I said I'd help you rescue him, right? Remember when we first met?" I smile as best I can, hoping to see her smile too. She does; now I smile truthfully.

"Yeah..." she chuckles softly, "I remember." She watches me a moment with those bright green eyes, then suddenly leans in against me, hugging my hand as it's draped over her shoulder. I sit rigid as I feel all the blood in my body course hotly to my face, and I almost gasp, but manage to contain it. Still, I can't help but turn and look down at her in disbelief for a moment... I've never felt like this before. It's... there aren't any words for it. It's impossible to explain, even in this moment that could be a second or an eternity for all I know.

But it's... nice.

"...P..Purim..?"

"Yes?"

"What's love feel like, exactly?" Though I feel embarrassed asking, I have to know for sure. This feeling...

"Love?" I echo him, lifting my head somewhat to look at him. I don't know why I pressed against him like that. Even in the poor light of the forest, I can see he's blushing. He may have grown up and become a man, but there are times when he's still the uncertain boy I met him as... "Love... it feels... --it's hard to explain. It's kind of a warm feeling... but it feels a lot like being nervous, too."

That's what it felt like with Dyluck... so why am I feeling it now?

"Oh." Randi's answers have become laconic again, only now he seems to be in deep thought.

I watch him awhile, and only after some time do I realize my thoughts have drifted away from Dyluck... and toward Randi. I blink, shaking my head a little. I must be losing it. But...

It's been many months since I last saw Dyluck unaffected by Thanatos' influence. I don't like to think about it much, but what if when I get him back, he's... changed? Can we love each other again? I want to believe I can... but...

A warm, nervous feeling. That's pretty low-key for something so heavily emphasized as love, isn't it? But I think... I think Purim is right. And if that's what love feels like... then why do I feel it now?

I shouldn't love her. I'm not supposed to. She has Dyluck. But...

I can't help it.

I sigh heavily, closing my eyes and listening to the silence between us, listening to Purim's gentle breathing, and, of course, to the snoring sprite behind us. So I'm in love, I guess. But I can't love her. She has someone she's been working so hard to rescue all this time; that alone proves how much she cares for him.

Sometimes I think I have terrible luck. If I hadn't pulled out that stupid Mana Sword, I'd still just be a boy in Potos with no thought to my future outside of what would be for breakfast the next morning...

Maybe I should tell her. Just to get it out in the open, so she can laugh it off, tell me I must be out of my mind, and that I have plenty of time to find someone else. Yes, I'll just tell her. Get it out while I still can...

"Purim?"

She looks at me expectantly; suddenly I regret my decision. Still, it's too late to turn back...

"What is it, Randi?"

Here goes...

"Um...I don't know how to say this... I mean, without sounding stupid.. y'know?" I fumble with my words, stalling for time. Purim just keeps gazing at me, waiting patiently for me to go on. "Well, anyway.. I.. um..."

"I think I love... you."

His words are so soft I almost think I imagined them. But the look on his face says them all over again, with that shy, callow look of a timid little boy. I don't answer him at first... Those words are still echoing in my brain, and my heart, which had skipped a beat just then, I think, is fluttering in my chest like a butterfly gone mad.

He lifts his head to look at me expectantly, awaiting some kind of answer-and dreading it, too, I can see. Those eyes--not Dyluck' eyes, but Randi's eyes--watch me intently for some sign of what I might say. I swallow thickly, pulling gently away from him despite protests from some part within me, and I smile wanly, bringing a hand to his cheek. I feel like a witch, a cruel, heartless, evil witch, as I answer him as gently as I know how.

"Randi... you can't." A witch. I am a witch. I can see in his eyes that I've just ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped it to a pulp on the ground... And I want to cry.

I think I might love him too, to be truthful. But I can't give up on Dyluck. Even though I'm losing faith, little by little...

"Oh." He barely answers, trying to sound nonchalant about it as he turns his eyes to his feet. I almost selfishly hope he won't cry. I don't want to see him cry...

I have to make amends for my stupid, adamant devotion to my long-lost love. I need to apologize to Randi... he needs to hear it.

Gently, I take his face in my hands and turn him toward me. As I briefly glance at him, I can see unshed tears in his eyes that he's struggling to keep back, in those beautiful eyes. I close my own, then softly, silently kiss him on the forehead and let go, siting back again. I don't look, for fear of seeing those tears spill over.

She kissed me.

She said I couldn't love her--I knew she would--and she kissed me. I had wanted to cry in heartbreak at her words; I cry because of the kiss, but I don't know why.

Maybe there's hope. At least I told her. And at least... at least she doesn't hate me for it. The silence hangs between us again, until I hear her voice, barely a murmur.

"Randi."

"...Mm?" I can't form words right now. I'm afraid there might be a sob lurking in my voice that I don't want her to hear.

"Maybe--maybe if when this is all over... if Dyluck is--well, things change over time... People change. So maybe..." She trails off there, gesturing instead of speaking, and smiles--hopefully, I think.

"Yeah.." I smile weakly, getting to my feet and stepping back. Turning toward the sleepin bags, I pause, then add: "Goodnight, Purim."

"Goodnight, Randi."

I walk back to my sleeping bag and settle myself inside it, turning my back to her as I ignore Popoie's incessant snores and try to get to sleep.

Maybe if... that's the hope I can hold on to. It's selfish, and it's probably even mean, but it's a hope.

Maybe if...

Maybe if...

What I told him was true. I was afraid Dyluck might change over our separation, but now... now I don't think I'd be as broken up if he did.

Because I think I love you too, Randi. But I can't, right now. I promised I would rescue Dyluck. I have to hold out for him, even if things are different. I always vowed to be there for my love whenever he should need me--I'll be there for you too, Randi, if you ever need me.

Because I'm sure I love you too. It just has to wait.

I can wait. I hope you can wait, too. Please wait for it...

For that "Maybe if..."

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